I'm no shopper,
by Candlegiglia
Summary: The Doctor keeps insisting that that he doesn't shop, shopping doesn't help him. But what if, secretly, deep down, he is a shopaholic? Read to find out what happens one christmas, when he runs into trouble he hadn't anticipated.
1. A Strange Disguise

A/N: Hi, guys. I had this idea for a while now and here it is in writing. Hope you like it.

There is small weird bit in the middle. You'll know what I'm talking about when u read it. It's nothing rude or anything but it might be a bit shocking. So you've been warned!

Enjoy!

Chapter 1 – A Strange Disguise

Rose, sleeping? Check. Good, she should be asleep for the next…ooh, 12 hours? That gives me plenty of time to spend on some 'me' time.

I check my appearance one more time before leaving the TARDIS…

'Ooh, look at that! Isn't that just beautiful?' I think peering into the glass behind which there's a row of small glass sculptures. A tiny carving of a fairy had caught my attention. It has beautiful, fragile wings…and it's so delicate! I have to buy it. It's only (I look at the price tag that's trying to hide behind the sculpture) £45. I can afford that.

In the shop, there are loads more gleaming, glittering objects in all shapes and sizes, from a large magnificent painting of a long forgotten sunset (I look at it, longingly for a second, remembering a different sunset that I'll never get a chance to see again) to a small, almost invisible Wind Chimes amidst all the other breathtaking beauties.

At first, I carefully, pick the little Fairy off the shelf, deciding to name it 'Tinker' after Tinker Bell (J.M Barrie – an absolute genius! Maybe Rose and I should pay him a visit someday). And then, looking around, assessing other objects, I gather another multitude of objects that I know I won't need but they're just too gorgeous to turn down.

"Hi, Nice to meet you," I greet the till lady. She looks roughly 50 years old, with her bright makeup screaming out from her crinkled skin. I'm glad Rose is subtle with hers most of the time. This lady reminds me of that witch from Bewitched…Endora! That's it. Barbara, the till lady, is similar to her in so many ways with her flamboyant choice of eye shadow. She's wearing a bright pink glittering makeup covering the entirety of her eye lids with pink lipstick on her thin lips. She clothes are rather eccentric too but who am I to talk, considering what I'm dressed in?

Barbara looks at me suspiciously. It might have something to do with the blonde wig that I'm wearing. It's part of my disguise. Obviously, it's not working that well, if her dubious gaze is anything to go by. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to dress like a woman, considering I have a very manly physique.

But I think the fake breasts look quite real. A chromopigmenter duplicator really does the job perfectly! I look at my cleavage inconspicuously. Yup, to a stranger's eye, these are going to look 100 real, human breasts!

Not the slightly stiff, plastic implants covered with a thin layer of chromopigments, from the TARDIS lab.

I doubt that even Rose is going to recognise me in this get-up. The make-up that I have on is beautifully masking the masculine shape of my face. The subtle tones of golden shimmer around the cheek bones and a nude lip-gloss with subtle hints of pale pink eye shadow definitely hide my masculinity. But clearly not enough as the till lady keeps throwing furtive glances in my direction.

Or maybe she's just jealous of my soft, shiny blonde tresses cascading on shoulder.

A few minutes later, I walk out of the shop carrying a huge paper bag of goods. A wide, satisfied grin sits smugly on my face as I walk the street.

I walk past _Paperchase, _glancing idly over the sale sign. A few seconds later, I double back on my steps and enter the stationary shop.

A nice vanilla fragrance hangs in the air among various decorations of shimmering, silver snow flakes and bright green small Christmas trees.

It's Christmas.

That time of the year again. The wonderful, amazing, blessed time when nearly everything is on half price or more sale.

Oh this is great!! I can get more shopping done now! An elated feeling of ecstasy takes over me as I browse each item with doubled enthusiasm.

"Oh hey! I'm sorry…" a black guy apologizes as he runs backwards in to me. I'm about to forgive him when I realise who I'm looking at. Rickey Smith.

"Oh," I say, worried and startled, "that's ok."

"Here's your diary," he says picking up the read leather bound book that I dropped when he bumped into me.

"So you doing your Christmas shopping?" he asks, picking up a calendar from the opposite shelf.

"Um, yh," what is he doing? Is he flirting with me!? Oh Rassilon, I hope not! Distractedly, I pick up another notebook off the shelf. This one is hard back with bright spots on the cover.

How do I get away from him without him noticing or following me?

"So, do you want get a cup of coffee after this?"

A/N: Firstly, I'm not going to do a same sex pairing between the Doctor and Mickey. Now, can u please leave reviews, telling me what you thought?


	2. Glittering Rainbow Coloured Tie

A/N: Hi, here's the next chapters. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Enjoy!

Chapter 2 – Glittering Rainbow Coloured Tie

Oh, great! Just what I was dreading. Of course, I'm not going to go on a date with my companion's boyfriend. Or atleast, I think he's still her boyfriend; He always seems available every time we're here.

"Um, I'm sorry but I can't. I'm with someone." I say, hoping that that idiot would go away.

He didn't of course. Thinking he would was rather optimistic of me.

"Oh, ok then. That's allright." I'm about to leave the shop, deciding to come back later when this stubborn, pestilent human has gone. But that's just too much to ask for, apparently because Mickey speaks again, stopping me in my tracks. "Hey, out of these two, which do you think is a 20 year old girl going to like?" I turn around to find him holding a 2008 calendar with 12 different photos of cats in one hand. The other hand has a calendar with pictures of stars, galaxy, planets, and one of the Horse Head Nebula.

"Who is it for?" Well, I can't really say to him, 'I'm sorry, I'm not interested in your problems and please, in future, keep away from me.' So I have no choice but to help him out. Besides, I'm intrigued. Who is this girl? Is it someone other than Rose? He better not be cheating on Rose.

"A friend of mine. She…travels a lot but she comes home every Christmas."

It's Rose. How many other friends does Mickey have, who travel a lot? Not many, I should think.

"Oh, depends what she's like." I say, at length. I'm a guy. What do I know about girls? And even though I've been with Rose for two years, I doubt I know everything about her. There are times when I feel that she's not telling me something. Besides, I just don't do that kind of thing.

"Well, she likes travelling." Mickey looks at the ceiling, deep in thought. "She likes the colour pink. She likes cats. She likes the stars and…wants to see them" There's a notable change in his tone when he says the last bit. "But I want to buy her something special."

Special? I may not be an expert on ladies, but I know that a calendar is not that special. And Rose would like it and she would probably drool over the cats but she'd soon forget about it.

Mickey could obviously tell what I was thinking because he put both the calendars down and said, "Look, never mind. You probably want to carry on with your shopping." He turns away, but I can sense that he wants me to stop him and talk to him. But I'm not going to ask for trouble. It's very likely that he might recognise me.

I walk out of the shop, guilt gnawing at my insides. I know I should go back in there, and talk to him. But I can't let him find out about my true identity. The disguise and the different voice are only going to last for so long.

It's only when I turn the corner and enter the Debenhams shop, when I want to run away. The sight that greets me makes me wish I'd never thought of going out shopping tonight.

Still, determined not to let anything get in the way of my shopping, I jump on the escalator away from Jackie Tyler.

Ahh! Coats. I haven't bought a coat in ages! And there are so many of them. I pick a dark red trench coat off the rail. I hold it against me in the mirror.

Hmm. Interesting. It looks quite bright and shocking for me. But I think it gives me more character.

I'm frowning at my reflection when I see an old lady pass me by, giving me strange look.

"It's for my husband." I say to her, knowing that trying is futile. Ignoring her, I continue perusing my reflection. Unsure, I hold it in one hand, drawing a leather jacket out, riddled with pockets. It might be something that my last regeneration might like. But, it's not something for me. Aside from that, I have a similar jacket that the John Kennedy gave to me. Nice chap. Too bad he got assassinated.

A black waistcoat catches my attention. I get it out. Holding the waistcoat against the red jacket, I can't help but think of what Rose's reaction would be if she sees me wearing this.

I like them. I might try them on. Slowly, I move towards the changing rooms, when I realise that I'm dressed like a woman. I may be a guy but to the world, I'm a woman.

I guess I'll have to go to women's changing rooms then. As I trudge towards them, I pick another load full of items that I like. Looking down at the basket that I picked up earlier, I think there are a multitude of different scarves and shirts and ties. I particularly want to try on the glittering rainbow coloured tie with an emerald green shirt.

"Hey," a familiar shrill cry reaches me. I stop. I know that cry. I turn around and see an all too familiar figure striding towards me in her usual outfit of a tracksuit bottoms, a pink jacket. This time, she's also wearing a scarf and long hooded coat. It's Jackie Tyler.

She stops, clearly frustrated, as a few more people, nearly all in black leather jackets holding some instruments in their hands. And I can see the bulge of a gun in their pockets, only seconds from their reach.

I hear someone shout, "It's gone. I've lost the signal." Normally, I would be intrigued and curious but today I'm paralysed with shock.

But nothing could have prepared me for the next two words that flew at me: "Bloody Jack Harkness!"

As if on cue, Jack enters the scene and starts giving orders to bunch of Black Leathers. One of them is making faces at him. He's wagging his tongue behind Jack's back, his hands awfully close to his head in a claw like shape. I can't help but laugh.

Big mistake! They all, stop and look at me. And even from the other end of the hall, I can see small spark recognition light up the Captain's features.


	3. Wigs and Makeup

A/N: Sorry for the delay. My exams are finally over! (YAY!!) So now I can spend more time writing this. Thanks for all the reviews that you guys have been sending. And, now I'll shut up. Enjoy!

Chapter 3 Wigs and Makeup

"Excuse me, do you think this is funny?" one of the Black Leathers asks. He's the one who was pulling faces at Jack a second ago. Now, he has a serious, I-mean-business look on his face.

"Yes?" I say, uncertainly. Is that rude? Well, if it is then he can't complain; it was funny. I've never seen anyone make faces at Jack apart from Mickey but that's only out of jealousy. The Black Leather looks flummoxed. Something tells me he wasn't expecting that reply. He frowns at me and then leads the way.

"Right then, let's go look for our mind-reader." Jack looks at him, silently questioning his authority.

Mind reader? How did they manager to find a _mind reader? _It's not that they're a rare species; they don't exist.

"You do realise, that it's impossible read people's minds?" I shout at the group. Jack seems to have lost interest in me, which is good. I don't want him finding out.

"With all due respect miss, but you're the expert here are you?" It was Jack. Even _he _thinks that its possible to read minds? I want to correct him and I have a perfect comeback but I can't say it. I'm trying to appear inconspicuous. It's hard work!

I just glare at the group and walk away. I'm not going to get involved in this. I'm not. I have to try these clothes on. I really do like that tie. And that green velvet jacket.

"That'll be hundred and twenty pounds please." The kind lady at the till says, handing me the three bags full of clothes, accessories, perfumes, and make up – I've nearly run out of foundation and it's about time I get a new set anyway, in case I need to try a different disguise in my next shopping trip.

I hand her my credit card, and while she's swiping it across her machine, I quickly glance around the shop. No sign of them. Good.

"Can you please enter your pin?" she says, pushing the magic pin box infront of me. I really like these! I would have bought them but apparently they only sell them to people opening a business in sales.

Once all the formalities are over, I pick my bags and leave the shop.

I wish I hadn't. Right infront of me, across the road, Jack's team have an innocent little lady trapped in a circle with 5 guns pointing at her. Everyone around them look shocked. How can anyone hurt an innocent old lady?

Oh but she's not innocent. No sooner has Jack announced that he's 'Torchwood' she turns around and spits blue liquid out of her mouth, covering two of the Black Leathers and a few bystanders in a viscous layer of the blue goo.

Everyone drops their shopping and runs around screaming. What a waste! I don't get why people have to run around screaming without their shopping? After all they paid for it.

Uh oh. She's running towards me. Gulping, I run along the pavement away from the madness but in all this screaming, someone pushes me and although at first I only stumble slightly, after a few more pushes and a rough shove from someone, I'm thrown off the ground.

And so is my wig.

When I get up, and look around, making sure no one has seen me. They're all busy pretending to be headless chickens, no one notices me. Seriously, as much as I enjoy showing off, it gets annoying sometimes. It's just a harmless layer of blue fructose. And that creature is no mind reader. She's just a Bouletfian. Their people communicate by reading impulses sent out by the brain. Not a danger to anyone.. Bouleton is a peaceful planet…except for a few nutcases. I hope she's not one of them.

But I'm glad they've gone all mental. Otherwise, my sudden masculinity is going to attract a lot of unwanted attention.

I grab my wig and my bags and prepare to run.

"Hey, you!" I freeze. I know who that is. It's Jack. And he's seen me. I don't turn around. I run. "Doctor!" he yells but I don't stop. If I see him I'll just say that he was imagining things. If I'm right, and I know that I am, he doesn't know about the Bouletfian. So I can feed him whatever I want.

* * *

I return to the TARDIS, panting. No singing. Rose is asleep. She has a habit of singing in the shower and she always has a shower after she wakes up from a nap, even if it's in the middle of the day.

Without making too much noise, I head for my wardrobe. Carefully putting my shopping away, I get changed into my usual suit.

"Everything I doooo, I do it for you." There is it. The singing. I'm glad Rose never chose to go into a singing career. Well, she's an allright singer, but sometimes like now, her singing can be a little out of tune. And I haven't the heart to tell her that she should stop. She's not doing anyone any harm. And I've learnt to tune her out when she sings.

Wiping my make-up off, I go downstairs to the Control Room.

A few minutes later, Rose finds me. I smile at her radiancy as she skips and grins at me. "I had a really nice dream. I dreamt that I was a pop star" As long as that doesn't become a reality. I have no intention of saving the world from my companion. I don't say anything. I know this new regeneration can be rude and I don't want to be rude to Rose. I like her. A lot. "So Doctor, where are we – are you wearing make-up?!"

"What!?"


End file.
